This probably sounds ridiculous, but swirly chairs make everything better. You need one.
You might be asking why swirly chairs are so great, so I'll tell you: They are fun when reality goes on its lunch break. Even if the lunch break is traumatic and scary, swirly chairs will help you out of anything. I promise.
This is about my experience with a creature called the Flyersmile. If you don't know what the Flyersmile is, please leave. NOW. If you do know what the Flyersmile is, you don't.
Because you're probably curious and will probably read the rest, I've given you a description of what the Flyersmile is like. It's taken from my friend's book.
The Flyersmile (experct from The Handy Dandy Guide To Supernatural Stuff)
The Flyersmile is a small bird who sits in a tree watching people. Instead of a normal beak, he has a strange looking smile.
At precisely 2:00am (when reality goes on its lunch break) Flyersmile will swoop down, pick someone up and take him/her to his tree and the tree will absorb him/her.
There are two ways to repell a Flyersmile
1. Climb to the top of Mount Everest and get the golden ruby. Then dip it in acid and bathe it in acid.
2. Get a swirly chair (they probably won't help you defeat it, but they're fun)
How The Flyersmile Was CreatedEdit
You ask me.
Okay, okay, there have been some theories by me and my friends. But really, nobody knows the answer. Is it just natural? Is it a lab experiment gone wrong? Is it someone who got turned into a bird as punishment for not putting enough sauce on his hot dog?
My main theory is that it's a bird that got cursed for not yelling "IMABIRDIMABIRDIMABIRDIMABIRD" for hours at 5:00am in the morning. Or it got cursed for trying to be a human. Or it got cursed because it existed.
But really, that probably never happened. That's just too plain ridiculous. It would probably be a much more serious manner. However, I like making jokes that contain theories that are just so ridiculous that it's the funniest thing ever. This whole concept of the Flyersmile is kind of ridiculous. This has an unfortunate side-effect of making everyone say "BULLCRAP!" at the top of their lungs when I talk to them about it. Actually, my friend Gerald was thrown into the Looney Bin because he talked to a regular person about it all the goddamn time.
What an idiot.
So I've learnt not to talk about the Flyersmile. This usually results in me having to make up some random bullcrap when people ask "What happened to your eye?'
However, me and a couple of friends have encountered the Flyersmile. And this is what happened.
How We Discovered The FlyersmileEdit
"OH JESUS MONSTER TRUCK DRIVING CHRIST"
While we were goofing around doing some random crap (some of my memory is blurred) I saw Gerald suddenly falling down a hole.
It looked pretty deep. I wanted to delve in and find out what the hell was going on, but I didn't want to die.
"Well, somebody's gotta go down there." Don didn't exactly want to die, but he wanted to save his friend and figure out what's happening. He jumped down yelling "SUICIDE IS PAINLESS!"
My other friend Joey just said "Wait here for a bit." A couple of minutes later, he came back with beer and coffee. "If I'm going to die, we might as spend the last moments of our lives drunk."
I yelled "I don't want to die!"
"But don't you want to see what's down there?"
"We won't be able to see what's down there!"
"Who cares? We'll be closer to saving Gerald and Don if we fall down there!"
"That's a very thin chance, you know..."
"I've already accepted my fate."